kill-joy

it was a cold, wet (and i mean eugene in spring kind of wet) day with no sign of sun in the day’s forecast (that is to say, no sun until may).  no biggie. usually.  i am a landscaper after all, and if i didn’t work in the rain, well i’d  never work around here.  i digress.

so despite the rain i’m in a pretty decent mood.  mostly due to the recent boom in business. *thumbs up*.  plus, everything else seems to be working out; tax returns came on time, the kids’ cavities are filled, i recovered from pneumonia, yada yada.  i was feeling optimistic and relieved for the first time in a while. a long while.

then, the truck breaks down.  i lost it.  my whole effin day ruined.  i’m talking about the truck that gets us to the jobs that put a roof over our heads, people!  i was pissed.  the hubby was pissed. we were pissed at each other.  suddenly the cold was bitter.  the rain heavier.

here’s why: i am convinced that there’s a little fairy who hoovers nearby, watching my life (i call him kill-joy. yes, him).  and when i start to feel the slightest bit confident or secure, the little bastard flogs me with a steel rod. to put me back in my  place, so to speak.  ”can’t have everything working out so nicely for you, now can we?” says evil fairy dude. “f@#! you kill-joy. f@#! you.”  i say.  i’m sure this imagined creature of mine is just a convenient way for me to avoid blaming ‘God’ (yes, i do believe in God. sometimes i call it ‘Universe’. whatever. no judgements k?).

i surrender myself to a power bigger than myself regularly. i generally accept what is.  sure, i complain and whine, but i continue to trudge on….keeping the faith.  i don’t expect things to always go my way.  but i think hoping/expecting/asking for just that once in a blue moon isn’t too much. right?!  i sacrifice. i don’t spend on myself. i work hard….blah, blah, blah.  then it occurred to me: that hasn’t always been the case.  i am where i am due mostly to my own choices/decisions.  i am just starting to ‘get my shit together’ and i’m 32.  it takes a long time to get your shit together and i started really, really late. oops. my bad.

so after hours of anger (cold, wet anger), resentment and whining, i made the choice to be grateful….dammit.  i do have a ton of reasons to be so. a few of them are: 1. i have the best little family ever. my kids are smart, healthy and pretty darn cool.  2. my better half (i like to call him mister fix-it) fixed the truck and cares enough to take me out on a make-up date.  3. we have a roof over our heads. 4. i drive a car that doesn’t smell like old french fries or kid barf and it doesn’t leak….anything.  5. mama got a new pair of boots.

so thank you Universe.  my apologies for being such a whiny bitch.

I Am From

I Am From

I am from hard-working hands,

dedicated hearts,

and brotherly shenanigans.

I am from ancient volcanic dust

rising into painted desert hills;

bluebells, hardy sagebrush, and endless open skies.

I am from land that shaped my heart,

fed my curiosity for the wild,

and burned the sun deep into my soul.

I am from

a place I both despise and love.

a place I ran away from

and sometimes miss.

Southern Idaho

copyright 2008-present Aimee Robbins.

Go easy. it’s my first time.

Well I did it. I finally took the step to create my own personal blog.

Blog.

what a funny word.

what an interesting concept.

I was hesitant and have in fact been considering this for a while. I spent a lot of time swinging between wanting to and not wanting to. I thought, “with thousands upon thousands of people typing their thoughts, opinions, stories, complaints, general musings, etc and putting it out there for the world to read, why on earth would I do it too? I’m typically a private person anyway. I don’t necessarily want to share.” but then I’d go on, “hell, my ranting can’t be any worse (or better) than most of those folks so… why not?!”  I guess I’ve had a bit of social anxiety about it. Which is just great right?! Transferring my social ineptitude into the cyber community. I need to get a grip. It’s not as if any of you can see me fidget nervously or hear that goofy chuckle escape from my mouth when I mean to say something cool or important. So here I am. Getting over it and typing my thoughts for you to read. We’ll see how it goes.

Since this is my first blog, I thought I’d start by sharing some quirks about me that you should know.

First of all, I have never considered myself to be much of a writer. That said, don’t expect literary genius to pour from these fingers. Ain’t gonna happen. With the exception of poetry now and then, I haven’t written anything worth reading since college  I’m really more of a visual and kinesthetic person. The blogosphere may prove challenging but I’m at a point in my life where I need more challenges, so I’ll take it on

On the subject of writing: I hate to capitalize. yes. I know the rules of grammar and practiced them for years, therefore, I feel perfectly okay with breaking those rules. From here on out, I will rarely use the shift key. I’m not trying to be cool (like bell hooks), I’m just kinda lazy and don’t think it’s that important.

I’m a landscaper, dancer, and wannabe photographer. This means I’ll often share my little obsessions with y’all in the form of pretty pictures, advice and general musings about my love of plants and dance.

I think that should do for now. Keeping it simple, I’ll shy away from religious or political stuff. for now

Cheers!