it was a cold, wet (and i mean eugene in spring kind of wet) day with no sign of sun in the day’s forecast (that is to say, no sun until may). no biggie. usually. i am a landscaper after all, and if i didn’t work in the rain, well i’d never work around here. i digress.
so despite the rain i’m in a pretty decent mood. mostly due to the recent boom in business. *thumbs up*. plus, everything else seems to be working out; tax returns came on time, the kids’ cavities are filled, i recovered from pneumonia, yada yada. i was feeling optimistic and relieved for the first time in a while. a long while.
then, the truck breaks down. i lost it. my whole effin day ruined. i’m talking about the truck that gets us to the jobs that put a roof over our heads, people! i was pissed. the hubby was pissed. we were pissed at each other. suddenly the cold was bitter. the rain heavier.
here’s why: i am convinced that there’s a little fairy who hoovers nearby, watching my life (i call him kill-joy. yes, him). and when i start to feel the slightest bit confident or secure, the little bastard flogs me with a steel rod. to put me back in my place, so to speak. ”can’t have everything working out so nicely for you, now can we?” says evil fairy dude. “f@#! you kill-joy. f@#! you.” i say. i’m sure this imagined creature of mine is just a convenient way for me to avoid blaming ‘God’ (yes, i do believe in God. sometimes i call it ‘Universe’. whatever. no judgements k?).
i surrender myself to a power bigger than myself regularly. i generally accept what is. sure, i complain and whine, but i continue to trudge on….keeping the faith. i don’t expect things to always go my way. but i think hoping/expecting/asking for just that once in a blue moon isn’t too much. right?! i sacrifice. i don’t spend on myself. i work hard….blah, blah, blah. then it occurred to me: that hasn’t always been the case. i am where i am due mostly to my own choices/decisions. i am just starting to ‘get my shit together’ and i’m 32. it takes a long time to get your shit together and i started really, really late. oops. my bad.
so after hours of anger (cold, wet anger), resentment and whining, i made the choice to be grateful….dammit. i do have a ton of reasons to be so. a few of them are: 1. i have the best little family ever. my kids are smart, healthy and pretty darn cool. 2. my better half (i like to call him mister fix-it) fixed the truck and cares enough to take me out on a make-up date. 3. we have a roof over our heads. 4. i drive a car that doesn’t smell like old french fries or kid barf and it doesn’t leak….anything. 5. mama got a new pair of boots.
so thank you Universe. my apologies for being such a whiny bitch.